Log in

24 September 2011 @ 09:37 pm
fic: Sometimes I Feel Like Saying "Lord, I Just Don't Care" (1/3) - Glee, Faberry, R  
Title: Sometimes I Feel Like Saying "Lord, I Just Don't Care" (1/3)
Author: cosmic-lovely
Characters: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Rating: R
Spoilers: Season 3
Summary: Rachel just wanted her friend back, but Quinn keeps pushing her away.
Author's Note: Title comes from Florence + The Machine's "You've Got the Love". Just pretend that Rachel never got back together with Finn. Also, this is another Badass!Quinn fic because I love it so much. However, warning, this fic is an angst warehouse. Be cautious, there's breakdown!Quinn. Special thank you to Hannah who brainstormed this fic with me and is basically my personal editor. First fic, so beware.

Nothing Rachel said to Quinn was landing her back in Glee Club. Weeks already went by with no signs of Quinn and this was starting to worry her – both for the club winning nationals’ sake and for her own personal sake. After all, without Quinn, Rachel’s anticipation for Glee Club and it’s excitement fell short. She missed the little smirks Quinn would give her and how her face would light up whenever someone would perform.
And in general, she just missed that Quinn: the blonde, witty, highly religious Christian Quinn.
Despite the messes they’d get into concerning Finn, Rachel always felt like Quinn had the potential to be a really close friend of hers. After all, they’ve been through so much together. Would it really hurt to comfort each other through their darkest of times and cry on each other’s shoulders? Rachel thought nothing bad of it, but maybe that was her being a little too optimistic.
Rachel couldn’t shake the fact that she really wanted some kind of friendship with Quinn, and in general, she was dying to see Quinn’s presence again, in or out of Glee.
After coming back to school with pink hair, a nose piercing, and black, raggedy clothing, Quinn could barely be found around the halls of McKinley High. Rumors spread quickly about her by younger girls claiming to see Quinn stealing the money of others or buying illegal drugs below the bleachers. It was known that she gained a reputation for never showing up to class, but if she even showed up on school grounds was a mystery.
However, Rachel always knew where Quinn was. It was a given when it came down to her; she always had a sense of where people’s mind would take them and good enough research skills that allowed her to make certain of her assumptions. During lunch, she would always find Quinn smoking with her new “friends” and would give one heartfelt speech after the other about why Quinn should show herself again. Eventually, Quinn forced Rachel to give her space, but how long could she take not seeing her for? She didn’t want to push Quinn into anything, but at one point or another, she was bound to try persuasion.
And that day finally came when right after school before Rachel even stepped off campus, she dialed Quinn’s number. The phone seemed to ring forever until finally, a bothered “Hello?” answered.
“Quinn! I know I told you that whenever you’re ready I’d expect to see you back in Glee, but I’m hoping that you’re truly taking my words to heart and considering coming back instead of pushing it aside. I don’t really know how this punk – it’s punk, right? - Well, this punk phase works and if you guys don’t care about anything, but I’m very eager to tell you how much you’ve been missed and how much Glee Club needs you, but it’s not only that, but-“
“Berry, you’re giving me a headache, just stop,” Quinn growled, “Do you know how to pause after each sentence?”
“I just have so much to say to you, Quinn,” she made sure to pause before continuing, “and nobody else is coming after you.”
“Oh, so it’s entirely your job to chase after me and make sure that your efforts aren’t put to waste, isn’t it? I’m sure the rest of Glee has adjusted nicely to an empty seat in the room, so why can’t you?”
“Well, if you didn’t cut me off before hand, I would’ve been able to explain that I need you for more than just Glee Club. We’re drifting, Quinn. This is my last year in this school, and I’m not going to graduate knowing that there’s this awkward distance between us. Yes, Glee Club still needs you too, but think about that as well,” Rachel finally approached her car and strapped herself in, but just leaned back in the seat instead of driving home.
Quinn thought about it for a moment before replying, “That’s not my problem, Berry. You and Santana both need to realize that people drift apart at some point. You care too much and so did I, but I’m free now. I’m free from that. I have new friends and we’re all independently doing whatever the fuck we want.”
To hear such talk from Quinn started to aggravate her, “Okay, so one night when you’re out getting high or drunk in an alley way with your so called friends, I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to get home safely. Right, oh, let’s just hop into this man’s old, broken down truck while my friends are wondering the streets, laughing their asses off and-“
“Shut the fuck up, Berry! You’re so frustrating! I know how to handle myself and I don’t need you in my life any longer,” And with that, Quinn hung up. The dial tone sounded and Rachel turned her cell off and threw it in the back of her car, wanting to take the whole phone call back and pretend like it never happened.
But the repeat of words kept playing in her head as she drove herself home.
You care too much and so did I.
I don’t need you in my life any longer.
Surely, she was hurt, but the regret took over most of the pain as she dragged herself inside her house, purposely leaving her phone resting in her car.
“Welcome home, sunshine!” Hiram called from the kitchen, shortly approaching Rachel with a wide smile until he saw how drained her daughter looked. Leroy looked up from the magazine he was reading and asked, “What’s wrong, pumpkin?”
“Dad, Daddy, I love you both, but may I just rest up in my room for the night? It’s been an exhausting day,” Rachel tried to force a smile, but looked uneasy.
“Oh alright, Honey, if you need us you know where to look. Rest well, and if you get hungry, I’m leaving the leftover pasta in the fridge!” Hiram hugged her daughter while Leroy added, “And please don’t let something eat you up from the inside, Rachel. We’ll hear you out if you need to talk about it.”
“Thank you both,” and with that, Rachel went to her room and sat on her desk, scribbling thoughts on a notepad.
-- -- --
After getting ready for school the next day, she feared looking at her phone when she opened the car door. She didn’t expect calls or texts from anyone, but the thought that maybe – just, maybe – Quinn might’ve called back scared her a little.
Rachel quickly opened her phone to see one new text message and a voice mail.
The text was from Finn, reading, “hey babe, y don’t we hng by my place this Friday night n celeb8 for the year to come? ;)”
Rachel sighed before she called her voice mail and raised her phone to her ear, a bit of her anxiously awaiting Quinn’s voice, but when the message rolled through, she was even more shocked to hear the straight forward, raspy voice of Santana.
“Berry, I overheard bits of your little conversation with Q and I wants to make it clear that her tight ass is as stubborn as ever. That bitch won’t think about any one but herself now ‘cause that’s how her isolation is, got it? But I know you won’t accept that and neither can I, man-hands. So I’m holding a little get together. Meet me after school in the choir room and you better feel fucking grateful that I want Q back as much as you do, but I have a feeling your reasons are different than mine.”
Rachel put her cell in her purse and drove to school. She felt a little bit more confident in her efforts to get Quinn back if she would have Santana’s help and encouragement, but she couldn’t trust that Santana would openly help such a situation unless there was something in it for her.
The thought that Santana wanted Quinn back because she didn’t want the Unholy Trinity to split seemed possible, but wouldn’t that be the same reason for Rachel wanting Quinn back? Rachel didn’t understand what reasons could possibly be different.
The day went by in the same mundane way every time Quinn was nowhere to be found. Finn had asked Rachel to hang out again, with Rachel making up an excuse that she was busy, and Santana acting like she had no idea that she organized a meet up with Rachel.
Finally, the last bell rang and Rachel got out of her class restlessly. She waited a few minutes before entering the choir room, seeing it completely empty. She sat down and waited, at least thirty minutes going by before Santana came with her arms crossed, leaning against the doorway.  
“Well look who’s here,” she started, eyeing Rachel for a few moments before breaking into a teasing laugh, “Why am I surprised that you actually waited this long? I know you’d do anything just to talk about Q and her sweet ass.”
“Santana, she’s our friend and at this state, of course I’d do anything to organize a plan to get her back. You didn’t keep me waiting for that long anyways, but if you could please start telling me your intentions for this “get together” now so I can get home before curfew, that’d be great.” 
Santana approached Rachel and stood in front of her, “Look, I’m not some kind of smart ass know it all, but I do notice certain things. My intentions for Q go along the lines of she’s our friend and Brittany would be sad knowing that we’re not the Unholy Trinity anymore, but when it comes down to you, it’s more than just friends and Glee Club.”
Rachel looked confused at Santana’s speculation. She had a bit of an idea to what she meant, but wasn’t too sure about it, “I don’t see where you’re getting this. What are you trying to say?”
“Don’t fuck with me, Berry. You’re smart, so surely you can piece this together. What the fuck do you think I’m trying to say?”
“Santana… I don’t really-” Rachel paused once Santana’s eyes narrowed and she was looking intensely at her. She thought about Santana’s words, but also kept in mind her own feelings towards Quinn.
Quinn was someone who made her feel strong-minded and competitive enough to get somewhere in life. Rachel’s talent alone gave her confidence, but with Quinn’s lectures that usually ends in a fight or the times Quinn would convey all her emotions to Rachel made her feel like someone felt at home with her. There was this comfort between the two girls that would sometimes get tense, but when everything was resolved and feeling normal again, Rachel would always imagine resting her head on Quinn’s shoulder and talking about how far they’ve gotten with each other.
“I can’t live without her, but she doesn’t even know that, Santana,” Rachel finally stated.
“As fucking if, Berry. I’m pretty sure your constant compassion and semi-obsessive tendencies towards her that you put no effort to hide gave her a clue. Q was never good with accepting emotions though, especially from other people.”
“And that’s why she’s pushing everybody away now, right?”
“There’s more to it than that. I wouldn’t have asked to talk to you if this doesn’t entirely involve you, okay? Quinn’s only concern is how she’s pushing you away, Berry. She can cope with the way she’s keeping herself from Glee Club, she can cope with the way she chooses not to speak to Britts and I anymore, but when it comes down to you? It takes an extra string to force herself away from the only person she’s ever truly trusted with her emotions.”
“I… Yeah, Quinn has expressed almost every emotion there is to express to me. I always appreciated it from her because I know she isn’t the type to let her walls come down. But why tell me this now, Santana? You can’t truly think that I feel so strongly about-”
“You’re fucking in love with her, Berry! Do I really need to spell that out for you? It’s in the way you look at her! I’ve never seen you express such a tender look towards someone - not to Finn, not to Puck - it’s only in the way you see Quinn! You go out of your fucking way to make sure she’s okay. You won’t shut the fuck up about her and how pretty she is and when the chance reveals itself, you fucking look forward to getting to be with her! And maybe you’re just scared because I pretty much told you that Quinn has feelings for you too. Maybe you just can’t accept that this could work perfectly for you and you’ll keep making yourself suffer. I’m not going to see myself in you, Berry. I need you to get it right.”
Rachel couldn’t help but feel the tears overwhelm her eyes. Santana’s words were fierce and strong, and she didn’t know what to say about it. She wouldn’t let Santana place feelings into her that she truly didn’t have, but it all made sense to her now. Santana couldn’t have been more spot on.
“Quinn needs you now more than ever. She’s obviously going through a rough time and she feels like what she’s doing to herself will keep her from hurting you any more than she has in the past,” Santana added, kneeling down next to the chair Rachel was sitting on so she could talk face-to-face.
“What do you think I should do, Santana?” Rachel asked, wiping her eyes.
“You need to fix her. You need to go after her. She’ll only listen to you.”
-- -- --
An hour later after thought overload about the conversation that took place previously, Rachel couldn’t believe she was actually dialing Quinn’s number again. If Santana’s speech wasn’t enough to give her the motivation to talk to Quinn, she didn’t know what would be.
The phone rang until Quinn’s voice mail started.
“Quinn, I’m sorry about our last conversation. I just thought about a few things and I really need to see you. You’re not alone, Quinn. You’ll never be alone. Please stop pushing me away because I need you and you need me. That isn’t a bad thing. Whenever you’re ready, call me back.”
Quinn didn’t. Rachel was starting to think that she never would.
-- -- --
Another few weeks went by and Glee Club did manage to continue without the soft, soothing voice of Quinn.
When Finn would come close to bringing her up again, Santana would punch his gut to shut him up. Tina and Mike would sometimes whisper about how they wished they got to know Quinn a little better before she disappeared and Brittany would make Quinn references every once in a while that would never make sense to anybody but Santana. 
For the most part, the talk of Quinn began to stop because of how apprehensive and awkward Rachel would get after hearing her name.
By the end of the day, Rachel forced herself to call Quinn again and left a quick voice message saying, “The least you could do is just let me know if you’re okay.”
-- -- --
A few more days strolled by and Rachel finally started to fall asleep more easily.
It was past midnight – 4 o’clock AM to be exact – and Rachel’s phone illuminated on top of her pillow, the brightness and vibration waking her up.
She clenched her phone, almost dropping it on her face because of her half-asleep grip, but quickly awoke when she saw the name on the screen.
1 new text message from Quinn Fabray.
Excitedly, Rachel sat up and opened the message, simply reading, “I’m okay.”  
Scrambling to reply, Rachel typed in, “Can we meet in the student parking lot Saturday afternoon? I have to talk to you.”
Shortly after, her phone lit up again, “I’m not ready.”
“I’ll wait for you, Quinn.”
“Will you ever give up on me?”
“Sadly for you, definitely not. So might as well talk to me sooner rather than later.”
“This Saturday then.”
Rachel couldn’t fall asleep for the rest of the night. She finally made arrangements with Quinn.
-- -- --
It was more awkward than Rachel had expected.
For once in her life, she didn’t know what to say and neither did it help to be so speechless over how well Quinn could pull off her new look.  
She could bring up all the points Santana told her, but she knew if she brought up the serious topics too early, Quinn might leave on another sour note.
They both leaned their backs against Rachel’s silver Toyota Prius, a fair distance apart from each other. Quinn made it clear that she had no intention of speaking and instead, just crossed her arms and stared at the ground.
Finally, when the moments seemed too long, Rachel tried breaking the silence by saying, “I’m really glad you’re here.”
Quinn remained firm, tightening her arms around her chest, and the silence remained.
“I’ve acknowledged that to really appreciate and value someone’s presence, you have to know how it is without them, but I don’t think I can do that any longer, Quinn,” Rachel continued, hoping that something would at least get her to speak.
Quinn sighed and finally stood up straight, turning her glance towards Rachel. She didn’t open her mouth or shift her eyes, but focused on Rachel entirely. Although she didn’t want to speak, she still planned to listen and being particularly observant and understanding of Quinn’s body language, Rachel took note of that.
“I have a lot to tell you, but I feel like now isn’t the right time. However, conflicting with that feeling, I also feel like if you leave without hearing what I have to say, you might never give me the chance to see you again,” Rachel admitted softly.
Before Rachel could continue any longer, Quinn couldn’t resist the urge to question Rachel. She dropped her hands to her side and asked, “Do you really think I’m pushing you away?”
Rachel let Quinn’s voice sink in. She missed hearing it.
“Yes, because quite frankly, Quinn, you are.”
“You have no idea,” she stepped a little closer towards Rachel, this time standing directly in front of her, maintaining eye contact, as always, “Maybe I am being more aloof than usual, but have you ever thought that maybe it’s for your own benefit?”
“Oh? And how am I benefiting from it, Quinn? Because the only thing I seem to be getting out of this is the sharp, aching pain of what it feels like to basically lose someone that’s important to me!” Rachel grew angry, clutching her chest to emphasize how she felt.
“So then why do you do this, Rachel? If it hurts you so much, why do you keep pretending like I matter and you care about me, even after all the cruelty I’ve put you through?” Quinn took another step forward, making Rachel step back so her back was against the car again.
“I’m definitely not pretending and you have no right to call out my actions! I do care about you, despite everything that you’ve done!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Rachel!”
“Maybe I put up with you because I feel more for you than you’d ever think, Quinn! Maybe deep down, beneath all my pestering and meddling, I’m actually in love with you!”
Rachel quickly shot up her hands to cover her mouth, looking wide-eyed at Quinn. She couldn’t believe that she actually confessed so abruptly and was nervous for what Quinn would do next. She felt uneasy and reckless, her hands obviously shaking.
Quinn’s face said it all – she was taken aback. Confusion and shock filled her expression and she felt her heart begin to race.
Did she really just confess? No, my life isn’t that perfect anymore…
Snapping back to the reality of the moment, Quinn gently reached out to grasp Rachel’s hands away from her mouth, whispering, “Say it again.”
Hesitant at first, Rachel gazed into Quinn’s eyes, seeing Quinn at the verge of tears.
“I’m sick of all this fighting. I’m sick of wanting you and never feeling like I can have you. I’m sick of how unhappy we are when we’re not together and I’m sick of the things holding us back from being together. But can’t we move on from all that? Can’t this be our year to finally admit what we couldn’t? I love you, Quinn Fabray. You don’t have to wait any longer to hear that.”
It would’ve been ideal for Quinn to close the distance and kiss her right then and there. Hearing those words meant the world to her, but the Quinn who would succumb due to her precious feelings was long gone.
This Quinn needed to get away, but the impact of Rachel’s words kept her in place.
“Rachel… I can’t,” She shook her head and took two steps back, looking down to the ground again, shielding her crying eyes with her hands.
“We can work on fixing you back up to a confident, healed woman, Quinn. Together, we can patch you up again. I don’t want to lose-”
“You don’t understand, Rachel! I’m not… going to let myself… get closer to you,” She managed to say between sobs, “I was right… I’m not ready yet.”
Quinn just stood there, head towards the ground, and fists clenched tightly. Her tears fell down her cheeks and gathered by her chin, some drops hitting the ground below. She was shaking and could hardly breath through the sobs that were wracking her body.
Without any hesitation, Rachel pulled Quinn into her arms, holding her close. Rachel wasn't planning on letting her go and Quinn showed no sign of protest. She was too vulnerable at the moment.
“I’m not ready… I’m not ready…” Quinn repeatedly cried into Rachel’s shoulder.
“I’ll fix you, Quinn, I’ll fix you. The pain won’t be there forever,” Rachel promised, even though she wasn’t sure of herself.
The Quinn in her arms wasn’t the Quinn Fabray she knew at all. This Quinn was the product of years of pain, pressure, and regret in one release, masked under the edge of pink hair and a piercing.
She was broken.

Baileybaileyrhapsody on September 28th, 2011 01:57 pm (UTC)
Hello! Just wanting to drop a quick 'welcome' comment, and that I am totally loving this fic. It's really well written and I love the emotion *gushes* very good job! Please do continue
cosmic-lovelycosmic_lovely on September 29th, 2011 12:40 am (UTC)
Awh, thank you for the comment and the welcome! I'll be sure to continue and post up the next part soon.
t8kmybreathawayt8kmybreathaway on September 28th, 2011 03:08 pm (UTC)
Fantastic! Can't wait for more!
cosmic-lovelycosmic_lovely on September 29th, 2011 12:41 am (UTC)
Thank you!
bonmot507bonmot507 on September 28th, 2011 06:11 pm (UTC)
Its really amazing that this is a first. It feels solid and realistic and in character If there was any continuity at all on Glee.

nice work. can't wait.
cosmic-lovelycosmic_lovely on September 29th, 2011 12:42 am (UTC)
It' my first fanfic written, but I have been writing original stories for quite some time, haha. Thank you so much!
beefey: quinnymixtape218 on September 28th, 2011 08:17 pm (UTC)
gah! it's so freakin great. quite raw and lovely at the same time.
cosmic-lovelycosmic_lovely on September 29th, 2011 12:44 am (UTC)
Haha, thank you!
ayden07ayden07 on September 28th, 2011 09:57 pm (UTC)
Wonderful and amazing.

I wish this was how the show was going to write it (wishful thinking unless the writers are on top of what fans really want).

Your Quinn and TV Quinn need the same thing-someone to help them fix themselves and to become whoever it is that will make them happy. They are loved, but sometimes they really just need someone to show it. Like Rachel.
cosmic-lovelycosmic_lovely on September 29th, 2011 12:47 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I remember someone saying that "Ryan Murphy reads every fanfic" and although that's an exaggeration, maybe RIB and the new writers will be nicer and deliver more of what fans want!

And I agree, that's why I took this path for Quinn. I feel like she's wrecked right now and Rachel is the perfect person to build her back up.
Hannahhmills48 on September 28th, 2011 11:50 pm (UTC)
This was really great! I can't wait for the next part. :)
cosmic-lovelycosmic_lovely on September 29th, 2011 12:48 am (UTC)
Awh, thank you! I'll hopefully have the next part up soon.